• Monty Python RPG (long)

    From Warren Okuma@1:379/45 to All on Wednesday, December 07, 2005 18:02:44
    From: "Warren Okuma" <wokuma@lava.net>

    Approved by The Ministry of Silly Roleplaying Games.



    Remind you of any stores you know?

    Morning sir.

    Good morning.

    Can I help you?

    Well, I was sitting in the public library reading through Buffy the Vampire Slayer slash fic when I came over all geekish.

    Geekish, sir?

    Nerdy. RPG-deficient.

    Ah geeky!

    In a nutshell. So I curtailed my slashing activities, sallied forth and infiltrated your place of purveyment for the purchasing of some gamey comestibles!

    Come again?

    I want to buy some RPGs.

    Ohhh! I thought you were complaining about the Metallica music.

    No, not at all. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the terpsichorean muse

    What?

    I dig metal chicks. Now, some RPGs.

    Yes sir, what would you like?

    Well, how about some Witchcraft?

    I'm afraid we're fresh out of Witchcraft sir.

    Ah no matter. Very well, some GURPS, if you please.

    Ah, we get GURPS books every second week sir.

    Tsk. Well, a few books of Savage Worlds, then.

    Normally sir, yes. Today the distributor broke down. And cried.

    Not my lucky day, is it? Well, how about some Exalted?

    No sir.

    Torg?


    Sorry

    RIFTS?

    Nope.

    Deadlands?

    No.

    Star Wars?

    Not as such.

    Lord of the Rings?

    Sold out.

    HERO?

    Uhuh.

    Fuzion, BESM, Tri-stat dx, Feng Shui, Adventure, Dr Who, Shadowrun, Cyberpunk, Traveller, Buck Rogers, Tunnels and Trolls, Champions, Blood of Heroes, Marvel Heroes, DC Heroes?

    Nooope.

    Skyrealms of Jorune?

    Not today sir, no.

    Aberrant?

    No

    Mutants and Masterminds? SAS?

    Sorry.

    Underworld?

    No.

    Underground?

    No.

    Spycraft?

    Uhuh.

    Vampire Hunters?

    Nope.

    Chill?

    Nope.

    Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

    Nope.

    Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

    Nope.

    Warhammer?

    Nope.

    Vampire?

    Ah, yes! We do have Vampire sir.

    Really?

    Yes, we do have Vampire.

    Well, then, let me have it.

    It's....a bit munchkiny sir.

    I don't care.

    It's very munchkiny sir.

    I like it munchkiny. Bring forth the world of darkness! Mmm!

    I think its more munchkiny than you like it sir.

    I don't CARE HOW MUNCHKINY IT IS, LET ME HAVE IT!

    Okay sir. (pause) Ohhh damn.

    What?

    The line ended.

    Did it?

    Yes sir.

    I see. Bubblegum crisis?

    No.

    Fuzion?

    No.

    FUDGE?

    Sorry.

    Ghost Dog?

    Nope.

    Ghostbusters?

    Nope.

    Bushido?

    No.

    Fading Suns?

    Sold out.

    Heavy Gear, Tribe 8, Jovian Chronicles?

    No, no, and no.

    Ah, how about Dungeons and Dragons?

    Well, we don't get much call for it around here.

    NOT MUCH CALL FOR IT? It's the single most popular game in the world!

    Not round here sir!

    I see. And what IS the most popular game around here?

    Sorcerer, sir.

    Is it.

    Oh yes. Narrative games are staggeringly popular in this manor sir.

    Are they.

    Yes.

    Have you got any, he asked, expecting the answer no.

    I'll have a look sir. Nnnnnnnnnnnno.

    I see. Usagi Yojimbo?

    No.

    Star Trek?

    No.

    Paranoia?

    No.

    Fvlminata?

    Nix.

    Castle Falkenstein?

    Not so much.

    Ars Magica?

    Nope.

    What about...SHUT THAT BLOODY METALLICA UP!

    Told you so.

    Now...what about Farscape?

    Sorry.

    It's not much of a gaming shop is it?

    Finest in the district sir!

    Explain the logic underlying that conclusion.

    Well, it's so clean.

    It's certainly uncontaminated by games.

    You haven't asked me about Hackmaster sir.

    Is it worth it?

    Could be.

    Have you got any Hackmaster?

    No sir.

    I see. It was an act of total optimism to phrase the question in the first place. Have you, in fact, got any RPGs at all?

    Yes.

    Really?

    No. Sorry sir. I was deliberately wasting your time.

    In that case, I am going to have to shoot you, and start ordering online.

    Fair enough.

    What a senseless waste of retail space....

    ------

    Scene: A gaming table.



    GM: There are seven ogres surrounding you!

    PC1: How could they surround us? I had mordakeinen's magical watchdog cast!

    GM: It doesn't help.

    PC1: Yes it does!

    GM: No it doesn't!

    PC1: Yes it does! With the new rules changes is 3.5, it does.

    GM: Blimey, I didn't expect some kind of D&D rules revision!

    CRASH! Crashing chord! Wizards of the Coast burst in, screeching.

    Peter Adkinson: NOBODY expects the D&D rules revision! Our chief change is the ranger. And the druid. Our TWO chief changes are the ranger and the druid and the way magic spells work. Arg! Our three chief changes are the ranger, the druid, the way magic works and shiny new covers I'LL COME IN AGAIN!

    WotC run out.

    GM: Err...Blimey, I didn't expect some kind of D&D rules revision.

    CRASH!

    Peter: Noooooooooooobody expects the D&D rules revision! Amongst our chief changes are such diverse elements as the ranger, the druid, the way magic works
    and shiny new covers and feats from the classbooks and oh God. Cardinal Dancey,
    you'll have to do it.

    Dancey: What?

    Peter: You'll have to say "our chief changes are..."

    Dancey: I couldn't do that.

    Peter: Shut up! We'll come in again!

    GM: I did not expect some kind of D&D rules revision.

    CRASH!

    Dancey: Ah! Ah. Nobody....

    Peter: Expects...

    Dancey: Yes, nobody expects the D&D rules revision. In fact, those who do expect it -

    Peter: Our chief changes are....

    Dancey: Ah, our chief changes are, um, the ranger and

    Peter: STOP! That's it! Our chief change is the ranger!

    Dancey: What about the druid?

    Peter: Oh yes, and the druid.

    Dancey: And -

    Peter: SHUT UP! Now, we find your game lacking on three counts: lacking in dice, lacking in miniatures, lacking in stats and lacking in rules - four, FOUR
    counts. But you have one last chance! Reject the ways of dicelessness, renounce
    the works of - two, TWO last chances. You have two last chances. Reject the ways of dicelessness, renounce the works of AEG, return to the fold of 3.5- THREE last chances, you have THREE LAST CHANCES - and you shall go free. Now...how do you plead?

    GM: We're innocent!

    Peter: HA! Cardinal Monty! Fetch....the Mountain Dew!!!

    CRASHING CHORD! I'll let you imagine the rest....

    ------



    I wish to register a complaint! Hello, miss?

    What do you mean 'miss'?

    Sorry, I have a cold. I wish to register a complaint!

    We're closing for lunch!

    Never mind all that! I would like to complain about this here roleplaying game what I purchased less than half an hour ago from this very boutique.

    Ah yes, uh, Vampire, the Masquerade. What's...what's wrong with it?

    I'll tell you what's wrong with it, sonny. It's dead. That's what's wrong with it.

    Nah, it's not dead, uh, it's just goffic.

    Look matee, I know a dead RPG when I see one and I'm looking at one right now.

    No, no it's not dead, it's goffic. Remarkable game, Vampire, beautiful artwork,
    eh?

    The artwork don't enter into it! It's stone dead!

    Nonononono, no, no it's goffic.

    I see. Well, if its gothic I'll put on some Cradle of Filth then. COME ON MR VAMPIRE! I'VE GOT SOME MASCARA AND AN ANKH FOR YOU!

    See! It moved!

    That was you writing "Clan: Angsty" on the cover of an Exalted book.

    I never!

    Yes you did!

    No!

    HELLO MR VAMPIRE! HAVE YOU GOT ANOTHER SUPPLEMENT COMING OUT???

    (the game line does nothing but cycle into the Time of Judgment, then vanish up
    its own posterior)

    Now that's what I call a dead game.

    No, no, it's in transition.

    TRANSITION?

    Yeah, when it appeared to die then, it just went into a sleep, and will soon be
    reborn. Vampires are known to go into cycles of death and rebirth.

    Now listen, sonny. I've had about enough of this. When I purchased this game not half an hour ago, you assured me that the lack of sourcebooks was due to the game designers feeling "really depressed this week, so they couldn't get their act together".

    Well, no, see, it's ah, uh, probably reinventing the genre.

    REINVENTING THE GENRE? REINVENTING THE GENRE? WHAT KIND OF TALK IS THAT? Listen, why did it kill my gaming group as soon as I got it home?

    Oh, Vampire prefers dead gaming groups. Very goffic. Lovely game, beautiful artwork.

    I took the liberty of researching this game when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason it was still being talked about was because of Internet Hype.

    Oh..oh, oh, of course, yeah. I mean, if there wasn't Internet Hype, then this game, this game wouldn't be geeky any more. It would have taken off like Trivial Pursuit! Voom!

    VOOM? Mate, this game wouldn't voom if you made a TV series out of it. It's bleedin' demised!

    No, no, it's reinventing!

    It's not reinventing, it's dead. It has ceased to be. The line has been cancelled. The distributors are no longer filling orders. The website has closed down. It has hit minus ten hit points. It failed its Saving Throw. It rolled a critical fumble! It ran into a dragon while on first level! It encountered a deck of many things! IT DATED THE GMs EX-GIRLFRIEND! If it wasn't
    propped up by internet hype it would be the next Synnibar! It's run down the curtain and joined the GAMA HALL OF FAME! THIS IS AN EX-RPG!

    I suppose I'd better replace it then. (pause) Ah, sorry, we're fresh out of Vampire.

    I see. I see. I get the picture.

    I got a copy of Trinity though.

    Is it alive?

    Well, ish. PDFs and such.

    Right, I'll take that then.

    -------

    SCENE: The Third World (Yorkshire)

    A ragged man (Dad) returns home to a house literally filled with children. On his back is a backpack; a gaming book peeks out from the top.

    DAD: I'm sorry, children. I just bought The Riddle of Steel. Me game habit's bankrupted us. I have no choice but to sell you all for medical experiments.

    CHILDREN: Awwwwwww.

    DAD: Now, now, no complainin'. The local game store has blessed me so much, I can't afford to feed you any more.

    CHILD 1: Couldn't you stop buying games?

    DAD: Not if I want to stay in the most prestigious gaming group in Yorkshire, my lad!

    CHILD 2: Couldn't you say the games got ruined in an accident?

    DAD: (Sadly) My GM would see through such a cheap trick.

    CHILD 3: But what about buying on Ebay instead of retail?

    DAD: Children, I know you're trying to help, but really, I have no choice. It's
    you or the games. So it's medical experiments for all of you. For you see...

    There are jocks in the world, there are artists. There are actors and sculptors
    and then There are those who listen to music, but... I've never been one of them.

    I'm an RPG'er, and have been since the fourth grade. And the one thing they say
    about gamers is, Your money's gone as soon as you're paid, be...cause....

    Every game is sacred
    Every game is great
    If I don't special order
    My new game will be late

    Let the sports fans spend theirs
    On jerseys, shoes and hats
    I'll be spending mine on
    Supplements for Tri-Stat

    Some say I'm obsessive
    Some say I need a date
    But I must special order
    So my new game won't be late

    Education, food, or shelter
    Are fine if you don't game
    But if you don't have Nobilis
    My game group thinks you're lame

    Every game is useful
    Not a game is dumb
    I'll buy everybody's...
    Even Palladium

    Every game is worth it
    Every game is cheap
    At least compared to cocaine
    I buy one every week

    Every game is sacred
    Every game is great
    If I miss my special order
    I...get...quite...i...raaaaaaaaate

    DAD: So you see children, it has to be medical experiments for you all. Exalted's new castebook is out next week.

    SCENE: The children file out sadly. Across the street, a husband and wife watch
    through their window.

    HUSBAND: Look at those bloody role-players. Spending so much bloody money on new bloody books they can't bloody afford.

    WIFE: What are we, dear?

    HUSBAND: Historical wargamers, and fiercely proud of it!

    WIFE: But why do they buy so many books?

    HUSBAND: Because every time a new game line starts up, they have to buy all the
    supplements!

    WIFE: But it's the same with us, Harry. I mean we play in Napoleonic wargames and Classical Greek wargames, and we have two books...


    -----

    (A convention hall. Roleplayers bustle about, telling people about their characters. Mr. Praline enters the hall, and heads straight for the table marked 'GURPS'.)
    Praline Excuse me, I would like to play GURPS, please. (the man behind the table points to next table; to camera) The man's sign must be wrong. I have in the past noticed a marked discrepancy between these Demo Games signs and the activities carried on beneath. But soft, let us see how Dame Fortune smiles upon my next convention adventure! (he goes to next table) Hello, I would like to play this character, please.

    Man: You what?
    Praline: My GURPS character, Eric.
    Man: How did you know my name was Eric? Praline: No no no, my character's name is Eric, Eric the Dwarf. 'E's got a katana.
    Man: A what?
    Praline: He wields a katana.
    Man: You've brought your own character, and he wields a katana? Praline: Yes. I
    made him a 2000 point character. I didn't like the others, they were all too mortal.
    Man: You must be a munchkin.
    Praline: I am not a munchkin! Why should I be tied with the epithet munchkin merely because I have a katana? I've heard tell that John Tynes has a Dai-Klave
    and you wouldn't call him a munchkin; furthermore, Rebecca Borgstrom, the lady writer, had a abhorrent blade, called Atrocity, Gary Gygax has two classes, both specializing in katana, and J.R. Blackburn had a one-handed broadsword! So, if you're calling the author of 'HackMaster' a munchkin, I shall have to ask you to step outside!

    Man: All right, all right, all right. You made a 2000 point character? Praline:
    Yes.
    Man: With a katana.
    Praline: Yes.
    Man: You are a munchkin.

    Praline: Look, it's all point balanced, isn't it? I had the 'looks cool in a trenchcoat' advantage with my Elven ranger Eric, and I've got the 'gets to reroll all dice' advantage for my Dwarf character Eric... Man: You don't need an advantage to roll dice. Praline: I bleeding well do and I've got it. Ho, ho,
    you're not going diceless on me here.
    Man There's no such thing as a 'gets to reroll all dice' advantage. Praline: Yes there is!
    Man: No there isn't!
    Praline: Is!
    Man: Isn't!
    Praline: Is!
    Man: Isn't!
    Praline: Is!
    Man: Isn't!
    Praline: Is!
    Man: Isn't!
    Praline: Is!
    Man: Isn't!
    Praline: Is!
    Man: Isn't!
    Praline: What's that then?
    Man: This is a character sheet with the word 'background' crossed out and
    'gets to reroll dice' written in in crayon.

    Praline: The book didn't have the proper character sheet. Man: What book? Praline: The GURPS book.
    Man: Munchkin D20, you mean.
    Praline: It's people like you what cause unrest. Man: All right, what GURPS book?
    Praline: The GURPS Basique Set.
    Man: Basique?
    Praline: It was spelt like that on the cover. It's the ultra rare 3rd edition misprint! I never seen so many bleeding typos. The folks on E-bay said, that the immor(t)al disadvantage (10 pts) was just the tip of the iceberg.
    Man: How much did you pay for this? Praline: Sixty quid, and eight guineas for the splat book. Man: What splat book?
    Praline: Malkavian. In V:TM, I play a 3000 year old Malk called Eric. Man: Are all your characters called Eric? Praline: There's nothing so odd about that: Gary Gygax had an entire line of products all called Lejendary!
    Man: No he didn't!
    Praline: (takes book from pocket) He did, he did, he did, he did and did. There
    you are. 'Gary Gygax, the ones that got away' by E. W. Swanton with a foreword by Paul Anka, page 91, please. Man: (referring to page 91) I owe you an apology, sir. Praline: Spoken like a gentleman, sir. Now, are you going to let me play this character?
    Man: I promise you that I have a whole set of pregens. You don't need one. Praline: Then I would like a statement to that effect signed by Steve Jackson.

    ------



    Four gamers sit around a table, empty bottles of Mountain Dew littering the table and floor. They're all looking maudlin.

    Gamer #1: Ahh.. Very passable, this, very passable.

    Gamer #2: Nothing like a good 64-ounce chug of the Dew, ay Gessiah?

    Gamer #3: You're right there Obediah.

    Gamer #4: Who'd a thought thirty years ago we'd all be sittin' here drinking Dew and playing the THIRD and a HALF edition of D&D?

    G #1: Aye. In them days, we'd a' been glad to have the price of a Deities & Demigods.

    G #2: A Deities & Demigods with the CTHULHU MYTHOS.

    G #3: Without OGL stat blocks.

    G #4: OR deities!

    G #1: From a used book shop and a coffee stain on the illo of Hecate.

    G #3: We never used to have Attacks of Opportunity. We used to have to wait 'til our bleedin' turn to whack an orc.

    G #2: The best we magic-users could manage was get off a Sleep spell before we got shivved.

    G #3: But you know, we were happy in those days, though we were only 1st Edition.

    G #1: Aye. BECAUSE we only had 1st Edition. My old Dad used to say to me, "Unearthed Arcana can't give you happiness."

    G #4: 'E was right. I was happier then and I had NOTHIN'. We used to have miniatures made of bloody LEAD with the features of melted garden gnomes and flash all hangin' off the sides.

    G #3: Minis? You were lucky to have MINIS! We used to have to stick little pieces of notebook paper under dice with the word 'My Ranger' writ on it with the crayon that came with the boxed set.

    G #4: You were lucky to have DICE! We used to have to use indecipherable Chinese coins made of aluminum and probability tables as long as your arm to figure our next move.

    G #1: Ohhhh we used to DREAM of having PROBABILITY! Woulda' been a luxury to us. We used to lick Green Stamps and stick them to the cat and wait for it to scratch them off to get our combat results!

    G #4: Well when I say "MINIS" it was only a red die from the RISK set in the closet with a corner chipped off to denote facing, but it was a mini to US.

    G #2: We had our chipped RISK dice taken away from us. We had to use Candyland cards!

    G #3: You were lucky to haveCandyland! There were 10 of us trying to play out a
    round of combat with a cowpie throwing contest.

    G #4: Cowpies?

    G #3: Aye.

    G #1: You were lucky. We played for three months in a brown paper bag in a septic tank. We used to have to get to the game at six o'clock in the morning, clean the bag, eat a pizza crust, go play two rounds of combat in fourteen hours in the same dungeon, week in-week out. When we got done, our Dad would burn all our books and call us Satanists!

    G #2: Luxury. We used to have to get out the Candyland cards at three o'clock in the morning, clean the filth off the cards, eat a handful of Andy Capp Hot Fries, play out a round of combat every two months, forget where we lived, and Dad would come and strap us to a wooden stake and burn us for heretics, if we were LUCKY!

    G #1: But you try and tell the young people today that ... and they won't believe ya'.

    ALL: Nope, nope ...

    -----

    The Scene is GENCON, Ryan Dancey wanders the hall, trying to get some idea of who is attending the convention and if there's anyone he should be talking to/suing.

    He sees a gamer walking along...

    DANCEY: Old woman!

    DENNIS: Man!

    DANCEY: Man, sorry. Whose stall is that over yonder??

    DENNIS: I'm thirty seven.

    DANCEY: What?

    DENNIS: I'm thirty seven - I'm not old!

    DANCEY: Well, I can't just call you 'Man'.

    DENNIS: Well, you could say 'Dennis'.

    DANCEY: Well, I didn't know you were called 'Dennis.'

    DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?

    DANCEY: I did say sorry about the 'old woman,' but from the behind
    you looked -

    DENNIS: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!

    DANCEY: Well, I AM king...

    DENNIS: Oh king, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By exploitin'
    the gaming public - by 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our society! If there's ever
    going to be any progress -

    DENNIS's GIRLFRIEND: Dennis, there's some copies of FATAL on sale over
    there. Oh - how d'you do?

    DANCEY: How do you do, good lady. I am RYAN, King of the gamers. Who's
    booth is that?

    DENNIS's GIRLFRIEND: King of the who?

    DANCEY: The gamers.

    DENNIS's GIRLFRIEND: Who are the gamers?

    DANCEY: Well, we all are. We're all gamers, and I am your king.

    DENNIS's GIRLFRIEND: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.

    DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the outdated concept of character classes...

    DENNIS's GIRLFRIEND: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.

    DENNIS: That's what it's all about if only people would -

    DANCEY: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who's booth is that?

    DENNIS's GIRLFRIEND: That booth isn't anyone's

    DANCEY: then who is your lord? who tells you which games to buy?

    DENNIS's GIRLFRIEND: We don't have a lord.

    DANCEY: What?

    DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in
    turns to act as a sort of purchasing officer for the week.

    DANCEY: Yes.

    DENNIS: But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified at a
    special biweekly meeting.

    DANCEY: Yes, I see.

    DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of supplements for games we
    own,

    DANCEY: Be quiet!

    DENNIS: - but by a two-thirds majority in the case new games -

    DANCEY: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!

    DENNIS's GIRLFRIEND: Order, eh - who does he think he is?

    DANCEY: I am your king!

    DENNIS's GIRLFRIEND: Well, I didn't vote for you.

    DANCEY: You don't vote for kings.

    DENNIS's GIRLFRIEND: Well, 'ow did you become king then?

    DANCEY: The board members of Wizards Of The Coast, [angels sing], clad in
    the purest shimmering Armani, held aloft the keys to my company Porsche signifying by Divine Providence that I, Ryan, was to drive the Porsche. [singing stops] That is why I am your king!

    DENNIS: Listen - sinister members of corporations distributing sports cars
    is
    no basis for a claim of leadership of the gaming community. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical corporate ceremony.

    DANCEY: Be quiet!

    DENNIS: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just
    'cause some suits threw a set of keys at you at you!

    DANCEY: Shut up!

    DENNIS: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an emperor of GURPS just
    because Steve Jackson gave me the keys to his pimpmobile... they'd put me away!

    DANCEY: Shut up! Will you shut up! (Ryan snaps his fingers calling forth
    his
    lawyers to deal with Dennis)

    DENNIS: Ah, now we see the source of the violence inherent in your
    system.


    DANCEY: Shut up!

    DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the litigiousness inherent in D20! HELP! HELP!
    I'm being repressed!

    DANCEY: Bloody peasant!

    DENNIS: Oh, what a give away. Did you hear that, did you here that, eh?
    That's what I'm on about - did you see him repressing me, you saw it didn't you?

    __________________





    [frriip frriip frriip]

    ARTHUR: Whoa there!

    [frriip frriip frriip]

    GAME STORE CLERK #1: Halt! Who goes there?

    ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the House Down the Block.
    Master of the Game, Designer of the Adventures, Sovereign of all Gamedom!

    GAME STORE CLERK #1: Pull the other one!

    ARTHUR: I am,... and this is my trusty player Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of players who will join me at my table in the basement. I must speak with your lord and master.

    GAME STORE CLERK #1: What? Ridden on a motorbike?

    ARTHUR: Yes!

    GAME STORE CLERK #1: You're using book covers!

    ARTHUR: What?

    GAME STORE CLERK #1: You've got two torn Tri-Stat dX covers stuck in the spokes
    of your bicycle wheels.

    ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through
    the kingdom of Montana, through--

    GAME STORE CLERK #1: Where'd you get the Tri-Stat dX books?

    ARTHUR: We found them.

    GAME STORE CLERK #1: Found them? In Montana? Tri-Stat dX is Canadian!

    ARTHUR: What do you mean?

    GAME STORE CLERK #1: Well, this is America.

    ARTHUR: The gamer may drive south with his parents or the game author or the playtester may seek conventions in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?

    GAME STORE CLERK #1: Are you suggesting Tri-Stat dX migrates?

    ARTHUR: Not at all. It could be imported.

    GAME STORE CLERK #1: What? A gamer carrying Tri-Stat dX?

    ARTHUR: It could store it in its backpack!

    GAME STORE CLERK #1: It's not a question of where he stores it! It's a simple question of system compatibility! A d20 gamer would not carry a Tri-Stat book.

    ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the House Down the Block is here?

    GAME STORE CLERK #1: Listen. In order to maintain system-campaign consistency, a gamer needs to convert stats forty-three times every session, right?

    ARTHUR: Please!

    GAME STORE CLERK #1: Am I right?

    ARTHUR: I'm not interested!

    GAME STORE CLERK #2: It could be carried by a BESM player!

    GAME STORE CLERK #1: Oh, yeah, a BESM player maybe, but not a d20 player. That's my point.

    GAME STORE CLERK #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that.

    ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my table in the basement?!

    GAME STORE CLERK #1: But then of course - BESM players are non-convention-goers.

    GAME STORE CLERK #2: Oh, yeah.

    GAME STORE CLERK #1: So, they couldn't bring Tri-Stat dX back anyway.

    [frriip frriip frriip]

    ------

    Man: Is your wife a gamer, eh? Know whatahmean, know whatahmean, nudge nudge, know whatahmean, say no more?

    Squire: I, uh, I beg your pardon?

    Man: Your, uh, your wife, does she game, eh, does she game, eh?

    Squire: (flustered) Well, she sometimes games, yes.

    Man: Aaaaaaaah bet she does, I bet she does, say no more, say no more, knowwhatahmean, nudge nudge?

    Squire: (confused) I'm afraid I don't quite follow you.

    Man: Follow me. Follow me. That's good, that's good! A roll's as good as a botch to a blind GM!

    Squire: Are you, uh,...are you selling dice or something?

    Man: SELLING! Very good, very good! Ay? Ay? Ay? (pause) Oooh! A D&D-er, Ay! D&D-er, Ay! Oooh hooh! Say No MORE!

    Squire: Well, I, uh....

    Man: Is, your uh, is your wife a mage, ay?

    Squire: Um, she likes mage, yes!

    Man: I bet she does, I bet she does!

    Squire: As a matter of fact she's very fond of Sorcerer.

    Man: 'Oo isn't? Likes gaming, eh? Knew she would. Likes gaming, eh? She's been around a bit, been around?

    Squire: She has traveled, yes. She plays LARP.

    Man: SAY NO MORE!! LARP, saynomore, saynomore, saynomore, squire!

    Squire: I wasn't going to!

    Man: Oh! Well, never mind. Dib dib? Is your uh, is your wife interested in....Fading Suns, ay? "Fading Suns, ay", he asked him knowlingly?

    Squire: Fading Suns?

    Man: Merchants, guilds, scravers, nudge nudge, say no more?

    Squire: D20, eh?

    Man: They could be, they could be D20. Dice-rolling, you know, DICE-ROLLING RPG?

    Squire: No, no I'm afraid we don't have the Fading Suns book.

    Man: Oh. (leeringly) Still, Exalted, ay? Steve Jackson, ay? Hackmaster, ay?

    Squire: Look... are you insinuating something?

    Man: Oh, no, no, no...yes.

    Squire: Well?

    Man: Well, you're a man of the world, squire.

    Squire: Yes...

    Man: I mean, you've RPG'd a bit, you know, like, you've, uh.... You've "done it"....

    Squire: What do you mean?

    Man: Well, I mean like,....you've GAMED, with a lady....

    Squire: Yes....

    Man: What's it like?

    -----


    Sometimes a game goes bad,
    It can really make you mad,
    Botched-up rolls can make you swear and curse, When you're rolling and you fail,
    Just whistle,
    And don't wail,
    And say you'll make it turn out for the best. And...

    Always look on the high side of dice. (whistle, whistle, whistle, whistle) Always look on the spry side of dice. (whistle, whistle, whistle, whistle)

    If RPG seems rotten,
    There's something you've forgotten, A single roll can turn your game around. When you're killing lots of mooks,
    Or chasing off spooks,
    Just grab a set of dice,
    That's the thing.
    And...

    Always look on the high side of dice. (whistle, whistle, whistle, whistle) Always look on the high side of dice. (whistle, whistle, whistle, whistle)

    Your GM can confuse,
    In a duel you may lose,
    You may botch right when you're facing a boss fight. Forget about your roll, Though the fight will take its toll. Enjoy it. Just keep it all nice and light.
    So,...

    Always look on the high side of stats. (whistle, whistle, whistle, whistle) Just before you and the boss hit the mats. (whistle, whistle, whistle, whistle)

    Dice rolls can go wrong,
    In spite of this song,
    Your numbers can come up short, it's true. You'll see it's all a game.
    Keep on playing just the same.
    Just remember that the next roll is for you. And...

    Always look on the high side of dice. (whistle, whistle, whistle, whistle) Always look on the high side of dice. (whistle, whistle, whistle, whistle) Always look on the high side of dice. (whistle, whistle, whistle, whistle) Always look on the high side of dice. (whistle, whistle, whistle, whistle) (repeat to fade)



    Isn't it awfully nice to be a gamer, Isn't it frightfully good to RPG.
    It's swell to play Exalted,
    It's divine to roll the dice.
    When you get seven successes, then the world feels so nice!

    So three cheers for Hackmaster and d20, Hurray for Steve Jackson and his GURPS.
    Vampire LARP, a good Feng Shui, Dungeons and Dragons too. It's such fun to create fantasy; there's always something new. But don't use up your action points, or you'll end up black and blue, And you'll lose your stats!

    ----

    Gamer: Excuse me, sir, is this a gaming store?

    Clerk: No, sir, it's not.

    (Gamer to audience) Well, that sketch just went to hell, didn't it?

    ----

    Yes, and they're coming up to the introductory fiction... yes, some of them are
    putting game terms into the fiction that none of the characters would know about, other are having characters do stuff that's impossible in the game... oh
    look, now ones actually just drawing doodles of hot naked elf chicks, but most of them are moving on to What Is Role Playing... yes, all of them have mentioned cops and robbers... oh dear, one of them has given an example of play
    that actually sounds like a real life game session, that's immediate disqualification of course... and yes, one of them is just drawing hot naked elf chicks... and on to character creation, and it's nice to see that none of them have actually given any thought to core mechanics before ploughing ahead with this bit... we're getting a nice distribution between the D20 and non-d20,
    the number of characteristics in the non-d20 ranging from 35 to zero, with no relevant way of relating them to play whatsoever... oh, one of the D20 designers has added three more characteristics, including ones called Ninja Rating and Dailklave points... oh, and now the D20 designers are arguing about who has the coolest base classes, and one's claiming original racial packages called Belves, Bwarves and Bobbits... and now some have got tied up in skills subsystems, but most have ploughed on to combat, their hoping that the skills will sort themselves out... I thought the D20 designers would pull ahead here, but they're caught up in a hit location chart for hot elf chicks and their eyes
    are glazing over, so the non-d20 are slightly ahead here... and one of them doesn't have a combat system! He's using playing cards! he's pulling away from the pack... oh no! He's started designing custom hot elf chick playing cards, we'll not be seeing him for a while now...Now, they've all ignored the how to play chapter and gone for the GM's section.. a nice selection of prestige classes for D20, none of which are achievable under the character advancement rules... and they're caught up in spell lists now, they may not see the light of day for a while... the non-D20 are writing another what is role playing section, this one's talking about making sure the players don't spoil your plot... oh dear, they're noodlling away with the secret back story of the game worlds, none of it's ever going to come out in play, but they're scrawling away
    there... and they're all drawing hot elf chicks now...

    And one of the D20 designers is away! He snuck in an improvised magic system while no-one was looking! It's completely unbalanced, it'll make wizards dominate the game, it doesn't look anything like the introductory fiction, but it's finished! And he's on the monsters section... and he's skipped it! He's saying he'll put out a supplement later! And he's submitting a PDF to the printer, He's got his brother to design a front cover with a picture of a hot elf chick, he's handing over his credit card.... WE HAVE A WINNER! HE'S COMPLETELY BROKE! And as the bailiffs come to take away all his family's worldy
    possessions, his game is shuffled to the back shelves of game stores across the
    country, in second place we have an independent pdf being pointedly ignored on rpg.now, and Maclennan is getting ready to review our third place contestant, it's back to the studio..."

    ----

    --- BBBS/NT v4.01 Flag-5
    * Origin: FidoNet MONTE <--> alt.fan.monty-python (1:379/45)
  • From Captain Ozone@1:379/45 to Warren Okuma on Thursday, December 08, 2005 15:46:06
    From: "Captain Ozone" <CaptainOzone9@TryHarvestingTHISPhish-Boy.aim.com>

    While I am in no wise a "gamer" (it took me several scrolls to figure out that "RPG" did NOT stand for "Rocket-Propelled Grenade", duh, me) but am a semi-ardent Python fan, your post kept me smiling through the whole 33KB.

    Thanks for the time and trouble to post this. Veddy clever.

    --- BBBS/NT v4.01 Flag-5
    * Origin: FidoNet MONTE <--> alt.fan.monty-python (1:379/45)
  • From Fi@1:379/45 to Warren Okuma on Thursday, December 08, 2005 19:00:42
    From: "Fi" <NoSpam@nospam.com>


    "Warren Okuma" <wokuma@lava.net> wrote in message news:11pfc37r806sf28@corp.supernews.com...
    Approved by The Ministry of Silly Roleplaying Games.

    <snip>


    G #1: You were lucky. We played for three months in a brown paper bag in a septic tank. We used to have to get to the game at six o'clock in the morning, clean the bag, eat a pizza crust, go play two rounds of combat in fourteen hours in the same dungeon, week in-week out. When we got done,
    our
    Dad would burn all our books and call us Satanists!


    Ah.... my teenage years!

    Fi

    --- BBBS/NT v4.01 Flag-5
    * Origin: FidoNet MONTE <--> alt.fan.monty-python (1:379/45)
  • From Erno Simila@1:379/45 to All on Saturday, December 10, 2005 01:53:54
    From: Erno Simila <ersimila@paju.oulu.fi>

    "Ryan Elkins" [real name: Eric] <relkins@u.washington.edu> wrote:
    "Eric this" and "Eric that", you know. Luckily we
    had a neighbour, Eric, who always supported me.

    He had a pet halibut, by the way.

    Was his name.........Eric, by any small chance, Eric?

    Well, Eric, yes. The owner of the pet shop where my neighbour bought him was quite adamant in demanding that he would always use the shop owner's name Eric to call his lovely new pet. My neighbour didn't take that advice very seriously
    at first, Eric being such a peculiar name, but when he tried to use other names
    (like ErIC, eRic, ERic or even eRIC) when talking to the bloody halibut, it nearly jumped off its natural artificial habitat and bit his head off.

    --
    Erno Similä

    --- BBBS/NT v4.01 Flag-5
    * Origin: FidoNet MONTE <--> alt.fan.monty-python (1:379/45)
  • From Ryan Elkins@1:379/45 to Erno Simila on Friday, December 09, 2005 16:26:46
    From: "Ryan Elkins" <relkins@u.washington.edu>

    ....You're a looney. I've heard tell that Sir Reginald Maudling once called his
    halibut "EEErriccKK!" with nary a splash. You must have the sea-beastie confused with that most dangerous of animals in the rainforest.......the LLAMA!!!!!!

    Llamas like honey.

    Preferably Icelandic honey, which can be bought in lovey, vibrant North Malden!

    Eric (Mrs.)
    "Erno Simila" <ersimila@paju.oulu.fi> wrote in message news:87wtidhlnw.fsf@poet.ID-123321.nic.fi...
    "Ryan Elkins" [real name: Eric] <relkins@u.washington.edu> wrote:
    "Eric this" and "Eric that", you know. Luckily we
    had a neighbour, Eric, who always supported me.

    He had a pet halibut, by the way.

    Was his name.........Eric, by any small chance, Eric?

    Well, Eric, yes. The owner of the pet shop where my neighbour
    bought him was quite adamant in demanding that he would always
    use the shop owner's name Eric to call his lovely new pet. My
    neighbour didn't take that advice very seriously at first,
    Eric being such a peculiar name, but when he tried to use
    other names (like ErIC, eRic, ERic or even eRIC) when talking
    to the bloody halibut, it nearly jumped off its natural
    artificial habitat and bit his head off.

    --
    Erno Similä

    --- BBBS/NT v4.01 Flag-5
    * Origin: FidoNet MONTE <--> alt.fan.monty-python (1:379/45)
  • From Spiny Norman@1:379/45 to Warren Okuma on Monday, December 12, 2005 11:34:34
    From: "Spiny Norman" <palindromedaris@hotmail.com>

    I'd like to react to that. A moment of your time please. My sentiments on the subject are as follows:


    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!


    And now a game of tabletop by the storyteller, mr. V. Gumby.

    "HELLO!!! YOU... ARE IN... A... DUNGEON. ROLL D13... TO SEE... IF YOUR BRAIN...
    HURTS!"


    Thank you for your kind attention.



    Tolkien's Flying Circus:
    http://www.geocities.com/montypythonmuseum/jrrtfc.html

    --- BBBS/NT v4.01 Flag-5
    * Origin: FidoNet MONTE <--> alt.fan.monty-python (1:379/45)
  • From James St. John-Pynchon@1:379/45 to Ryan Elkins on Tuesday, December 27, 2005 19:57:24
    From: "James St. John-Pynchon" <jsp@somedomain.com>

    Carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of Ryan Elkins
    of alt.fan.monty-python make plain:

    ....You're a looney. I've heard tell that Sir Reginald Maudling once
    called his halibut "EEErriccKK!" with nary a splash. You must have the sea-beastie confused with that most dangerous of animals in the rainforest.......the LLAMA!!!!!!

    Which is not nearly so dangerous as a moose. A moose bit my sister once.

    --
    JSP

    --- BBBS/NT v4.01 Flag-5
    * Origin: FidoNet MONTE <--> alt.fan.monty-python (1:379/45)
  • From James St. John-Pynchon@1:379/45 to Warren Okuma on Tuesday, December 27, 2005 19:59:58
    From: "James St. John-Pynchon" <jsp@somedomain.com>

    Carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of Warren Okuma of alt.fan.monty-python make plain:

    So I curtailed my slashing activities, sallied forth and infiltrated your place of purveyment for the purchasing of some gamey comestibles!

    Rotten-smelling food?

    --
    JSP

    --- BBBS/NT v4.01 Flag-5
    * Origin: FidoNet MONTE <--> alt.fan.monty-python (1:379/45)